Miss Demeanour's

BDSM-Talk

Home of practitioners & lovers of the art of Domination, Submission & BDSM

Back to Chat Ten Top Tips for New submissives

The BDSM scene can be daunting even to new big, brave Dominants, but it can be a potential minefield of negative experiences for new submissives. It pays to be prepared, educate yourself about the basics and you will give yourself a good foundation to build your submissive lifestyle on. Being submissive often leaves you in a position of vulnerability, trust is key before handing over control to any Dominant. Take a read of these Ten Top Tips for submissives and arm yourself with knowledge…

flaming10

Gifting

Your submission is a gift. No matter if you’re into the highest levels of pain and/or humiliation, you are giving/gifting control to a Dominant. Just because you are exploring your submissive side doesn’t mean you have to automatically kneel for any Tom, Dick or Harry who calls Him/Herself a Dom. Being submissive/subservient is a choice and so is the who, when and where of your play. Whether you’re into pet play, soft limit submission or aim to become a 24/7 slave, you will be able to set your own limits/boundaries prior to a scene/contract and they should be respected. Yes, submission is all about pushing the limits and testing those boundaries, but you should never be forced into a situation you’re not comfortable with. Your gift of submission is precious, treat it as such.

 

flaming9

Levels of submission

If you haven’t already you will hear terms such as ‘natural submissive’ and ‘true submissive’. I agree people are born with natural levels of Dominance/submission, but take my word for it even the most natural, truest of submissives have days where they want to tell their Dom to take a flying leap…they just don’t say it. Each submissive’s journey/level of submission is a personal one and each is different. There’s a wide range of submissive ‘identities’ that you might relate to. A ‘SAM’ aka Smart Ass Masochist. A Brat, a submissive that has a bit of a ‘fighting streak’. A service or house submissive/slave. A ‘power bottom’, someone who likes to submit to the pain but not necessarily the person. A pet, a sub who likes the loving/affectionate care of a Master/Mistress. There are many, many levels of submission, it’s all about exploring and finding what works for you.

 

flaming8

Responsibility

Though being a submissive is all about handing over control, it isn’t solely the Dominants responsibility to ensure your safety. You are an adult and need to vocalize your limits: before, during and after a scene if necessary. The person you’re playing with, no matter how experienced they are, will not be a mind-reader. It’s important for you to spend time exploring your own desires, needs and dislikes. Your personal insights will make you a stronger & more confident submissive. Safety is paramount at ALL times. Your Dominant is being trusted with your physical and mental well being, but don’t forget your safe words are there for a reason. Yes a Dominant will expect you to trust them and not question their authority, but if at any point you don’t feel safe or you feel like you need more information before you proceed then vocalise it. I’ve said it before, the cornerstone of all BDSM play is Safe, Sane and Consensual (See article here), learning the importance of safe words and not being afraid to USE them if need be.

 

flaming7

Topping from the bottom

Unless you have a pre negotiated ‘bratty’ dynamic with a Dom, then you should be mindful of their wishes and respectful. Don’t do things that challenge or undermine their Dominance unnecessarily, especially if they’re new too.

‘Topping from the bottom’ is an expression used to describe a situation where a submissive attempts to control the play, the dynamic or the relationship from their submissive position using seduction, persuasion, provocation, puppy-dog-eyes, etc.’

Don’t be afraid to initiate a scene by offering your ‘services’ in whatever way you feel is appropriate, but allow your Dom the opportunity to take control. Telling someone at every turn what you want and how to Dominate you isn’t giving either of you the rewards D/s has to offer. If you feel your needs aren’t being met then discuss it in a respectful way before or after a scene. Trying to manipulate a Dom to get your own wants/needs met can be seen as disrespectful.

 

flaming6

Sub space/Sub Drop

Sub space is the phrase used to describe the ‘happy place’ submissives go to during a scene, it can be an intense euphoric experience or it can be a soothing, calming state of mind, every sub is different and it will often depend on the level/intensity of pain/pleasure/play at hand. Sub space can be addictive, a craving, some will seek deeper and deeper submission to discover higher levels of sub space. During this state of mind you are likely to be immensely submissive, a feeling of ‘there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for You’, your Dominant SHOULD be aware of this and to be fair, if they’ve gotten you to that level of submission then they’re likely to know their stuff.

On the other end of the scale to subspace, we have subdrop. That what goes up must come down and all that jazz. Sub drop is inevitable on a basic level, the real world slowly seeping back into your conscience mind after a scene. If all has gone well in the scene and your Dominant has eased you out of it correctly then it’s nothing to worry about. However, one of the most uncomfortable feelings for a submissive is to feel like you have displeased your Dominant, if that feeling happens, for whatever reason, it can be extremely distressing. If a scene has had to stop suddenly due to unforeseen circumstances, a Dominant hasn’t given even the basic aftercare or they’ve given you cause to believe you have done something incorrectly – these can all leave you feeling vulnerable and/or anxious. It’s important to keep your mind as safe as your body. Subdrop can come on quick and hard and if you don’t have a Dom around to reassure you then you must take responsibility for your own well being. Surround yourself with comfort and positivity.

 

flaming5

Aftercare/What to expect from your Dominant

I personally believe aftercare is a vital part of BDSM play. As a submissive you will give yourself physically and mentally to a Dominant during a scene/task, often you will be engrossed, even overwhelmed with the desire to please. A scene/task can take a submissive to intense levels of pain and/or pleasure and at the end of that scene everything simply…stops. For a time at least. As a submissive I would expect at least basic aftercare from a Dominant, asking if you’re ok, reassurance etc. If you’ve had a particularly physical scene then your physical needs should also be seen to. You’re Dominant doesn’t have to molly coddle you, they do however have a responsibility to your well being. Being aware of things such a subspace/subdrop will at least give you the tools to handle your own aftercare should a Dominant neglect you, but I’d advise against playing with a Dominant of that type again, unless it’s something you personally enjoy.

 

flaming4

Respect

It’s a good idea to be clued up on your basic ‘BDSM etiquette’, whether you’re exploring online play, thinking of meeting up with fellow kinksters, or heading straight for the BDSM clubs, knowing the ground rules before hand will heighten the experience for you. Showing respect for others and yourself is a must in almost any situation. There is rarely an excuse for anyone, especially a submissive, to be rude, disrespectful or disruptive. In a real-life social situation it probably will not be tolerated and will most likely lead to you being viewed in a negative light by those who take the lifestyle seriously. Online, it exposes you for what you are: untrained or a wannabe. Good manners are always appreciated and in a formal D/s situation, they are imperative. Basic manners such as ‘Thank you’, ‘Please’ and ‘You’re welcome’ won’t go unnoticed and may go a long way in gaining you some positive attention. Maintain a neat, clean appearance and be yourself. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to be what you think someone else is looking for. If you’re playful and spirited by nature, then by all means show that side of you, the same goes if you’re a little quieter. Being well-behaved speaks louder than any words. You’ll most likely be watched by any interested Dominant, and although you won’t be expected to be perfect, you will be expected to have behavior befitting of someone He/She would want to claim as theirs. Although some Dominants may enjoy the challenge of a ‘feisty’ submissive, it’s unlikely they’ll want the ‘subbie brat from hell’. Dominants take pride in the behavior of their submissive, so start out on the right foot.

 

flaming3

Be Aware of Frauds

Unfortunately there’s no way of spotting a fake Dominant from 10 paces, you’ll have to use your intuition and knowledge to make a judgement call. Chat rooms and online hangouts are rife with smooth talking ‘all knowing’ mysterious beings who for the first 5 minutes may have you believing they’re the Dominant of your dreams, but do not be fooled. Ordering someone to strip/kneel/send intimate pictures before even knowing your name does not a Dominant make. Anyone wanting to collar a submissive within a week is not someone with experience or standards in my personal opinion. It goes without saying meeting up with a potential Dominant (or any potential partner for that matter) in the flesh should be done with preparation and safety in mind. Don’t settle for the first person who orders you to take off your undies. If sex or indeed money are the immediate or dominating factor in your conversations then I’d move along. To get the best out of a D/s relationship a Dominant will take the time to and will want to get to know you, even if it’s just polite questions about your interests outside of BDSM etc.

 

flaming2

Research, research, research

The more you play the more you will learn, but I believe it’s just as important to read up and arm yourself with knowledge. Knowledge really is power and although you want to hand that power over, you want to do it a way that will bring all involved the greatest pleasure. BDSM is an art, reading 50 Shades and simply falling to your knees and saying ‘Yes Sir/Mistress’ just isn’t going to cut it in the long haul. Don’t leave it all up to the Dominants to teach you, educate yourself. The more you know the more confident you will feel in your submission and the more you and your Dominant will enjoy your time together. Everyone was the new girl/boy at some stage and the lifestyle can seem daunting, try not to let it intimidate you, it’s supposed to be fun!

 

flaming1

Getting Started

Right! Now you’re all clued up on your basic do’s and don’ts, where best to play? Well that’s all down to you. A simple search engine browse or a look at our BDSM Events pages will show you where you can hook up with fellow kinksters at established BDSM venues. BDSM Munches are also great places to get started, they’re informal social gatherings of like minded kinky folk in public places in everyday clothes. Munches are designed to make people feel comfortable and welcome and to get to know a few people on the scene before you delve a little deeper. One of the great things about advances in technology mean you can also use social networks, online forums and chat rooms to meet fellow submissives (who can be a great source of information) and potential Dominants. Explore, stay safe and find which suits your style of play best.

Related Posts

Share this

Comments

From around the web

SexBundle.com