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Back to Chat Ten Top Tips for New Dominants

domtipsAre you naturally Dominant and new to the BDSM scene? If you’re unsure and need a little guidance in the right direction or even if you’re fully confident, capable and cock sure of yourself take a read of my tips for new Doms anyway. Being a Dominant is a position of great trust, a submissive is gifting you with their physical and mental well being. Being a new Dominant, no matter how sure of yourself, can be daunting and is best entered into with a little research, check out these top tips for new Dominants…

 

 

 

Patience

Take your time getting to know your submissive whilst being controlled, calm and collected. You can show your Dominance in the smallest of things at the beginning of a D/s relationship without having to dive straight in at the deep end. Simple instructions such as telling them what you wish to be referred to as ie, Sir/Madam, Mistress/Master and ‘From this point on you will only ever refer to your genitals as cock/cunt’ etc. Simple instructions will ease your submissive into the right mind set whilst you gauge what they’re about. Being a Dominant doesn’t just mean a submissive has to or will do as they’re told from the off. There are many Doms/subs that aren’t suited to each other. Learning what you want in a submissive and being clear about this to them early on will help you get off to the right start.

Self-Control

At ALL times. Having power over another person is a big responsibility, being in control is what being Dominant is all about, it’s what you thrive on, get off on, it’s why you do what you do. However, we’re all human and we all have off days or mood swings. This doesn’t mean you suddenly stop being Dominant. It can mean however that you’re not firmly in control of your own emotions/feelings therefore you aren’t in the correct frame of mind to have control over another. Don’t be afraid to use your safe word, they’re not just there for the submissive. If at any point you feel like you’re going to do a submissive a mis service then simply stop the scene clearly and concisely and if you can, offer an explanation. Now I’m not saying ‘Explain yourself!’, I’m merely asking you to be aware that your submissive is likely to be in that subspace frame of mind and simply stopping a scene without rhyme nor reason could leave them feeling bereft, abandoned and they’re likely to blame themselves, which can be damaging and unnecessary.

Topping from the bottom

One of my personal pet hates and the sooner you can spot it the better!

‘Topping from the bottom’ is an expression used to describe a situation where a submissive attempts to control the play, the dynamic or the relationship from their submissive position using seduction, persuasion, provocation, puppy-dog-eyes, etc.’

This type of behaviour is most common with ‘bratty’ submissives and don’t get me wrong in some cases it can be cute and at times very hot, as long as your sub knows that when push comes to shove you’re in control. It’s perfectly acceptable for a submissive to relay their wants and needs to you and in many cases a Dominant’s own pleasure will come from giving pleasure to their submissive, but on YOUR terms. Don’t let a submissive dictate a scene to you, feel free to take their requests into consideration, but feel just as free to deny them. If topping from the bottom is a frequent occurrence let your sub know that you’re aware of what they’re doing and warn if the behaviour continues a suitable punishment can and will be arranged.

Clear and concise orders/punishments

A submissive’s natural desire is to please you and they will strive to carry out instructions to the letter in order to do so. If you’re unclear about what you’re asking them to do and in result they carry out an order incorrectly this can be upsetting for them. Be clear about what you expect from them and try not to move the goal posts (especially early on in a relationship), ie – if you’ve instructed your submissive not to touch their cock/pussy for 24 hours, don’t then change it to 72 hours without any good reason. Your submissive will feel proud, accomplished and confident at having carried out their goal, which will make them want to repeat that success. Of course once you’re more comfortable/playful with each other you can set them up to fail just so you can dish out a little funishment, but by that point your submissive will understand the whys and will view it as a little play time rather than a fail on their behalf.

Aftercare

Is a vital part of BDSM play.Your submissive will give themselves to you physically and mentally during a scene/task, often you will be all they can think of, how they can please you, what your next move will be, they become engrossed in you and the scene. A scene/task can take a submissive to intense levels of pain and/or pleasure and at the end of that scene everything simply…stops. For a time at least. Now I’m not suggesting you sprinkle the dungeon floor with rose petals and offer up oily massages (though I doubt many a submissive would sneer at the idea) I’m talking shutterstock_141149035about the basics. Ask if they’re ok, reassure them they did well, they pleased you, offer them a glass of water/warm drink, if they’re naked wrap a blanket around them. Some submissives can be so engrossed in a scene and taken to such intensities that they can shiver with the adrenaline crash afterwards. Calm them and be sure they are in a safe mental state before you leave them. Another point worth making if you’ve given them a good spanking/cropping/flogging is to see to any physical ailments that may need attention. Arnica gel is a must have in any Dominants arsenal, it soothes muscle pain and will help with any bruising. Treat any open wounds with antiseptic and dress accordingly. The aftercare of your submissive is an important part of your responsibility.

Make yourself available

Some submissives can be needy creatures, some Doms thrive of this, others find it a nuisance. A submissive will often crave your attention, your reassurances, your time and may even become quite distressed if they don’t get it. Part of the beauty of a D/s relationship is that you don’t have to conform to the ‘norms’ of a vanilla relationship, no need to send flowers when you can say it with spanking. You don’t have to send 50 texts a day to let them know you’re thinking of them when one hard cock/wet pussy pic can say a thousand words. However, simply ignoring a submissive until you’re ready to play with them can cause feelings of genuine anxiety and distress and I personally don’t approve of it. If you’re going out of town for a week or you’re going to be in meetings all day, try and let them know, it will spare them the feeling of dismissal/abandonment and will only help to grow their feelings of trust and security. Needless to say ignoring your submissive as a punishment is not something I condone though I know some do practice it. For me personally a simple ‘I’m busy with …., I will be in touch’ takes little effort with a far more productive outcome.

Research, research, research

The more you play the more you will learn on the job, but I believe it’s just as important to read up and arm yourself with knowledge. Knowledge really is power and we know Dominants are all about the power right? BDSM is an art, reading 50 Shades and simply ordering a submissive to her knees to ‘suck it bitch’ just isn’t going to cut it in the long haul. Nor is self proclaiming yourself as a FinDom and demanding money from unsuspecting paypigs. Don’t underestimate submissives, yes they may be subservient in the relationship and/or sexually, but be very aware – they have likely had submissives tendencies for a very long time and may have a far greater knowledge of the do’s and don’ts than you might think. For example I know some submissives who won’t even entertain a Dominant unless they use a capital letter when referring to themselves, something a lot of new Dominants wouldn’t know and would therefore be spotted as a ‘phoney’ or newbie straight away. We all had to start somewhere and to become a successful Dominant you must be willing to learn your craft.

Safety

Is paramount at ALL times. Understand that you are being given a gift, you are being trusted with someone’s physical and mental well being and that is not a task to be taken lightly. As fun as kink is, it’s only good for all involved when done properly. If you want to pour hot wax all over your submissive’s genitals, more power to you, go for it, just make sure you know your stuff first. Some of the simplest nuggets of information like knowing red candles burn far hotter than white candles for instance can keep you in control of a well planned out scene. Keeping bandage scissors nearby to cut your submissive free in an emergency if need be. Knowing how tight to tie your restraints and for how long before cutting off circulation, be prepared for your scene in advance and keep you and your submissive safe. The cornerstone of all BDSM play is Safe, Sane and Consensual (See article here) and learning the importance of safewords.

Getting Started

So now you’re full of unleashed Dominance and all clued up on your basic do’s and don’ts, where best to play? Well that’s all down to you. A simple search engine browse or a look at our BDSM Events pages will show you where you can hook up with fellow kinksters at established BDSM venues. BDSM Munches are also great places to get started, they’re informal social gatherings of like minded kinky folk in public places in everyday clothes. Munches are designed to make people feel comfortable and welcome and to get to know a few people on the scene before you delve a little deeper. One of the great things about advances in technology mean you can also use social networks, online forums and chat rooms to meet fellow Dominants and potential submissives. Explore and find which suits your style of play best.

Keep learning

Dominants who have been on the scene for decades and have played with hundreds if not thousands of submissives will tell you they don’t know it all. Part of the appeal of Dominance is that confidence that borders on arrogance, but don’t let arrogance stop you from being the best Dominant you can be. Pay attention to the scene around you, keep an open mind and no matter how much you learn always be willing to learn more and you won’t go far wrong.

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