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Back to Chat Online D/s Relationships

shutterstock_9291307Online D/s is one of the most controversial subjects in the BDSM community. Some mock it, some revere it, others just outright don’t understand it. Based on online D/s relationships of my own, it’s my opinion that yes, it can and does work. Is it anything like real time, face-to-face Dominance and submission relationships? No, not at all. That said, it is still very real and intense for those involved in online or long distance relationships, and often can and will lead to a real-time relationship.

I’ve said it before, but the most important aspect of any play is always safety. There are a few things you can do to keep yourself safer while in an online relationship, or looking for someone to begin a relationship with online:

* First and foremost do not, under any circumstances, give out your full name, date of birth, home address, bank details or any other personal details before you have really gotten to know this person. Wait a few weeks, or even a few months. While in the end you must use your own judgment, if you have any “red flags” about the person you are chatting with do not give out personal information.

* If you and your online partner really want to exchange things via “snail mail” (standard postal service), but you still do not want to give out your home address, you can always get a post office box.

* One other thing you must think hard about is exchanging photos of yourself. This is especially important if the photos are nude, fetish or kinky. Be sure of yourself and your playmate, if you still want to send them but want to protect your identity then you could always keep your face or any distinguishing features hidden.

 

Why do people use online for D/s?

* Many of us enter online and/or long distance relationships because we are in a community with a small to no D/s presence. This is often the primary reason for people being in an online relationship.

* Many online D/s’ do so because they are in other relationships, perhaps even married and use the online D/s relationship to get their Dominance and submission needs fulfilled. And so long as the Dominant or submissive is fully open and honest with all of their partners, then it can be quite successful.

* Another reason is that some use an online D/s relationship to learn more about Dominance and submission. To see if it’s something that they may be interested in for a real time experience. There are many similarities between online and real time D/s relationships and online can be a good starting point to see if something more intense would be a right fit for that individual.

* A person may just not want the ‘real time’ experience of D/s. They want the, for lack of better words, pseudo- or watered-down version of a Dominance and submission relationship that an online relationship can provide. Everyone’s needs are different and should be respected.

 

How does online D/s work?

When it comes to giving tasks, orders and controlling the submissive’s life, orders can be given in many ways. Most of these will come after you have established the trust with your partner:

* Text messages – A Dom can text or email an instruction and to show you’ve completed your said task you can:

* Photos – You can take photos of your completed task and picture mail them to your Dom.

* Webcam – While you are chatting online you can turn on your webcam and your Dom can watch you actually perform the task.

* Simple honesty – There are some things where you will only be able to answer questions about after you have done it. As such, if you are unable to provide an apt description, your Dom will know you didn’t do it.

* Online calendars and email reminders – This can be handy if your Dom wants to randomly give you tasks for the week/month. The tasks can be set into the program and it sends you a reminder email. Another nice thing about it is you can program in your work schedule so your Dom knows when you’re at work and can thus alter the tasks to fit a work environment.
Daily emails and/or blogs. This can also be a way for your Dom to know what you do during your day, etc. Another thing this is good for is writing “reports” or “essays” for your Dom that S/He assigns you.

* Self bondage/self-denial and other self-induced BDSM play – For this please keep in mind safety. But, many things you can do is under-the-clothes bondage, using things such as pleasure (ben-wa) balls, and/or anal beads under your clothes at work and/or simple breast bondage. With this you’re limited to things you can do to yourself, but it’s still fun and it’s getting a little of the “kink” in your life.

For people involved in online D/s relationships the actions and emotions involved are very real. It can be psychologically and physically intense and satisfying. Many D/s relationships are down to circumstance beyond the control of all involved, even the Doms. The emotions, desires and feelings, while different than in real time, are still there and are still incredibly intense. One last word about safety:

* Beware predators – Many people out there use the internet as a tool for their own pleasure, and nothing else. Someone who has contacted you because they truly wish to get to know you better is incredibly unlikely to ‘order’ you to undress on the webcam and perform some BDSM act. This is a huge red flag. As are other ‘standard’ BDSM and D/s red flags:

* ‘Ordering’ you to call them Master/Mistress/Sir before the relationship is established and those titles have been “earned.”

* Similarly, calling you “slave” and other submissive pet names before the dynamics have been established. Expecting you to immediately act submissive simply on the grounds you are submissive and S/He is Dominant.

If you’re new to the scene as a whole take a look at Ten Top Tips for Dominants and submissives for more tips on safety and etiquette.

All the warnings aside, the internet is a wonderful tool for meeting people. Many have met their Doms/submissives online and have enjoyed long, happy, healthy relationships. If you are safety conscious while being honest and true to yourself, you’d be surprised what can come of it.
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